Miscellany and Trivia

Anecdotes about Rabbis (3)

MTRAnecdotes3

At a conference on religion a priest, a minister and a rabbi were all asked the same question, “What would you like people to say about you after you die?”

The priest said, “I hope that people will say that I was able to rise above the scandals that are plaguing the Catholic Church at this time. I hope that people would say that I was able to shepherd my flock through this crisis and help them to understand the absolute love that God the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit have for all of them as Catholics.”

The minister then said, “When I die I hope that people will say that I saved many souls by bringing them to Christ. I hope that I will be remembered as a caring, thoughtful man who always spread the Word, the love of Christ and a faith everlasting in God. I hope that my preaching and converting will be carried on in my memory and to the glory of Christ.”

Finally, the rabbi was asked, “Rabbi, what do you hope people will say about you after you have died?”

Without pausing, the rabbi answered, “Look. He’s breathing.”

 

Anecdotes about Rabbis (5)

MTRAnecdotes5

Avrahom is a 12 year old known for his total lack of religious study, so when his barmitzvah* day arrives, Rabbi Bloom is not about to let this go without comment. Avrahom performs his barmitzvah as best he can with his minimal preparation and when it comes time to receive his presents, Avrahom gets what most barmitzvah boys are given – a daily prayer book; a set of Jewish Festivals prayer books; a kiddushcup* from the congregation’s ladies guild; an encyclopedia – “The History of the Jewish People from Bible Times to the Present”; and a bible (old testament).

Rabbi Bloom then addresses the barmitzvah boy, “My dear Avrahom. You have received today a number of treasures of Judaism in book form that will surely enrich your life and make it holy in the eyes of God. I also have a gift for you.”

With that, Rabbi Bloom pulls out an umbrella from behind the lectern and says to Avrahom, “I present you with this umbrella because I want to give you something that at least I know for certain you will open.”

*kiddush cup = Shabbat and Jewish holiday meals begin with a blessing over a cup of ritual wine. Many families have a special glass or goblet (cup) specifically for this purpose.

*barmitzvah = According to Jewish law , when Jewish boys become 13 years old, they become accountable for their actions and become a bar mitzvah.

Anecdote about monks (5)

anecdotes 5

The psychiatrist asks the Zen Master, "How do you deal with neurotics?"

The Zen Master replies, "I get them to the point where they can't ask any more questions".

 

Anecdote about monks (4)

anecdotes 4

A Western Buddhist woman was in India, studying with her teacher, a Buddhist monk. She was riding with another woman friend in a rickshaw-like carriage, when they were attacked by a man on the street. In the end, the attacker only succeeded in frightening the women, but the Buddhist woman was quite upset by the event and told her teacher so. She asked him what she should have done – what would have been the appropriate, Buddhist response.

The teacher said very simply, "You should have very mindfully and with great compassion whacked the attacker over the head with your umbrella."

 

Anecdote about monks (3)

anecdotes 3

Four monks were meditating in a monastery. All of a sudden the prayer flag on the roof started flapping.

The younger monk came out of his meditation and said: "Flag is flapping"

A more experienced monk said: "Wind is flapping"

A third monk who had been there for more than 20 years said: "Mind is flapping."

The fourth monk who was the eldest said, visibly annoyed: "Mouths are flapping!"

 

Anecdote about monks (2)

anecdotes 2

Three monks decided to practice meditation together. They sat by the side of a lake and closed their eyes in concentration. Then suddenly, the first one stood up and said, "I forgot my mat." He steeped miraculously onto the water in front of him and walked across the lake to their hut on the other side.

When he returned, the second monk stood up and said, "I forgot to put my other underwear to dry." He too walked calmly across the water and returned the same way. The third monk watched the first two carefully in what he decided must be the test of his own abilities. "Is your learning so superior to mine? I too can match any feat you two can perform," he declared loudly and rushed to the water's edge to walk across it. He promptly fell into the deep water.

Undeterred, the yogi climbed out of the water and tried again, only to sink into the water. Yet again he climbed out and yet again he tried, each time sinking into the water. This went on for some time as the other two monks watched.

After a while, the second monk turned to the first and said, "Do you think we should tell him where the stones are?"

 

Anecdote about monks (1)

anecdotes 1

A monk was driving in India when suddenly a dog crosses the road. The car hit and killed the dog. The monk looked around and seeing a temple went to knock on the door. A monk opened the door. The first monk said: "I'm terribly sorry, but my karma ran over your dogma."

 

Anecdote about a child (7)

A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys? Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough." The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

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